I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
