All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
