my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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