Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize