How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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