I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
