Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
