Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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