party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
