Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
