i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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