Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
