Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
