All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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