u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
