I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm passing your future prison.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
