Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize