VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
