I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
