are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
