Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
