You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
