He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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