My Higher Power is John Stamos
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
