I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Randomize
