i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
