Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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