Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
