The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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