once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
