Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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