my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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