I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
