Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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