cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
