this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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