I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
