the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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