the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
