theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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