drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
