You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
