What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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