just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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