I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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