she woke up with a sticky ear
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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