That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
