Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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