Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
