Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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