just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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