I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
