Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
