I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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