You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
