Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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