Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
