look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
