I love black thongs
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
